In the beginning...
Thu, May. 31st, 2007 11:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spiraliciousLately I have been fairly reflective and nostalgic. I realized I'm not sure if I ever explained why I started my lj, besides the constant poking and prodding from Tini to get one at the time. I figure since it's over a year old now I might as well.
The summer before last, my mother decided that I should get every medical test known to man before I am off of her insurance. Ok, I am exaggerating just a little, but not much. Anyway, So that was how started. It was all innocent enough. It all started with a new dentist. He was a cold an unpleasant man. He decided that I had to have my bottom wisdom teeth pulled (I had the other two out when I was 13) and that I had to have braces right away. Seems harmless enough. So I made an appointment to see an orthodontist and the oral surgeon. I went to visit my grandmother who had just gotten off chemo (the cancer's back btw). Then I had my first pelvic and my first check up at a doctor's office since I was 4. Here is where things start to run down hill. For the pelvic exam, I felt i had thoroughly prepared myself as far as what to expect and the doctor was a nice enough woman. Unfortunately, things did not go as they were supposed to and it became one of the more painful and humiliating, (and a bit demeaning) experiences of my life. The experience still bothers me almost two years later. I've barely talked about it, mainly because I didn't really have anyone at the time to talk to about it, also because my body reacts with intense pain just thinking about it. I realize now, even though it was awhile afterward, I should have spoken to Mandy about it some time last school year. She would have listened and been understanding, but I didn't know her well and I am horrible about letting people in. I'm trying to work on that. Then came the orthodontist appointment. He explained my problem and said that I was going to require braces for a year, major surgery (of course to me any surgery is major), a six month recovery and then another 6 months to a year in braces. I have no dental insurance and after much poking from my sister I agreed to this. So I had to make another appointment, but he is only in town two weeks of the month and only two or three days of the week the weeks he is in town. So this dragged the process out unnecessarily. Then it was time for my check up. We all know how much I love blood tests. After the first one the doctor said everything was better than good it was great...except this one thing. I had a hormone that tested really high, I mean really high. So another blood test was scheduled, because of course it was an error. Then another. And another. The doctor had absolutely no explanation for why it was so high. She had no clue as why it would be high at all. So she arranged for me to have an appointment with an endocrinologist up by where I go to school because that was the closest one and by the time I would have any appointments (except the first one) I would be in school. Now it was time to go back to the orthodontist, basically because my mother wanted to speak with him, because she wasn't there for the first appointment and apparently my sister and I did not explain things well enough. He couldn't do anything until I had my wisdom teeth out and had a consult with a different surgeon. Then August rolled around and I was time to have my teeth out. Jenny quit her horrible job cleaning motel rooms a week early so that she could babysit me. Other than the bloody vomit incident it went fairly well. Then it was September. Then I was off to the endocrinologist. He seemed like a very nice man. He told me it was probably nothing to worry about. It was probably my kidneys working too hard and that I would just have to take a little pill for awhile. He said I would just have to take a blood test to make sure but I couldn't schedule it till about a month from then. He told me not to worry my little head about anything and sent me on my way. Bastard! Then school started. I met an odd girl named Hairball. We bonded over that I was going to have my jaw wired shut and screws put in. She thought it was cool. Later I met a girl named Mandy, who I should have been a bit nicer to. Then I had another blood test. It took four hours and I had to miss class. They gave me a shot and I had to sit with an IV in my arm for 4 hours while they took blood every hour. And we know how much I like blood tests. Then I waited. And waited. Two months, 4 phone calls from me, 3 from my mother and 2 from my doctor later, I got a prescription and a lab form in the mail with no explanation. He was too busy to see me and said he would explain my blood test results some time after January. My blood test had been in October. He finally sent the results to my doctor with no explanation. No one knew why he prescribed the pills he did. The only things we did know where that he wanted me to take the pills for 2 months and then have blood drawn and have the results sent to him. It was up to me to find someplace to do it (hence why he sent the lab form), and that it wasn't my kidneys. So against my better judgment I took these pills of unknown purpose. I was told nothing about them by him. My doctor didn't know why the endocrinologist prescribed them, and the pharmacist told me nothing, but I trusted these people. I don't know why. I certainly don't trust anyone else. I hated these pills. They made me feel sick all the time and sick to my stomach. Then it was Christmas break. And I had to see another nice man in a doctors office. We drove the three hours to the oral surgeons office for a consult. He explained everything in great detail and answered all my questions. He didn't ignore me and shove me off on someone else. He really was a nice man. The surgery would cost more than a year of college did. He said my insurance might cover part of it because it was medical not dental and would be considered arthritis prevention or something like that. After much waiting, the insurance said no. So that was the end of that. I was ok with that though, after the surgeon had explained everything to me it seemed like even though it would help prevent some problems, they could still occur and that the whole thing would basically just be cosmetic. And I didn't want to go through all that for something that was just cosmetic. Then I was back at school and had to get my pills refilled. Because I was a new client at that pharmacy they had to have a meeting with me about my prescription before they gave it to me. This time there were warnings all over the bottle, and side-effects listed. They told me a bit about what I was taking. I didn't like what I heard. I did more research online, I liked it less. All these things it was supposed to help where getting worse in me and what it was normally prescribed for didn't match anything that I was told might be wrong with me. In February (2006) I took the two month blood test like I was asked and had the results sent in. I then stopped taking those damn pills. To this day I still have never heard or seen the results from that blood test. On top of all of this I had a new job. Things were not going well at work, home, or school. That spring a had a small break down. That is the glossed over version of everything. Anyway, now that my long tale is done, you might be asking yourself what does all of this have to do with my lj? Yes, it is a sad tale of a wasted year and wasted money, but what was the point? At some point during that big mess, I decided that I would need someone to talk to about all of this stuff that was going on and I didn't really have anyone in person to talk to so I thought making an lj would be better than nothing. Unfortunately I never really used it through all of that. The worse I feel the less likely I am to say anything. That's why I don't write for long periods of time. I'm trying to stop that by making myself write something everyday (or close to it). So far it is working. It has kind of become this weird life line. This thin little shard of hope I keep in my back pocket. I don't really have anyone here but maybe if i keep writing, someone is reading. I know comments are not really an indication if someone is reading or not. I am a huge lurker. That's why my journal is still public. I've always been fairly messed up and don't you think it is hard for someone that is as paranoid as me not to just friend lock the whole thing. I keep it open to up the chances that maybe someone is reading because as long as I can think that maybe someone is reading, I will keep writing and I will be ok. Someday I will probably friend lock the whole thing, but not today.
website of the day: http://www.dunun.com/index_old.html
The summer before last, my mother decided that I should get every medical test known to man before I am off of her insurance. Ok, I am exaggerating just a little, but not much. Anyway, So that was how started. It was all innocent enough. It all started with a new dentist. He was a cold an unpleasant man. He decided that I had to have my bottom wisdom teeth pulled (I had the other two out when I was 13) and that I had to have braces right away. Seems harmless enough. So I made an appointment to see an orthodontist and the oral surgeon. I went to visit my grandmother who had just gotten off chemo (the cancer's back btw). Then I had my first pelvic and my first check up at a doctor's office since I was 4. Here is where things start to run down hill. For the pelvic exam, I felt i had thoroughly prepared myself as far as what to expect and the doctor was a nice enough woman. Unfortunately, things did not go as they were supposed to and it became one of the more painful and humiliating, (and a bit demeaning) experiences of my life. The experience still bothers me almost two years later. I've barely talked about it, mainly because I didn't really have anyone at the time to talk to about it, also because my body reacts with intense pain just thinking about it. I realize now, even though it was awhile afterward, I should have spoken to Mandy about it some time last school year. She would have listened and been understanding, but I didn't know her well and I am horrible about letting people in. I'm trying to work on that. Then came the orthodontist appointment. He explained my problem and said that I was going to require braces for a year, major surgery (of course to me any surgery is major), a six month recovery and then another 6 months to a year in braces. I have no dental insurance and after much poking from my sister I agreed to this. So I had to make another appointment, but he is only in town two weeks of the month and only two or three days of the week the weeks he is in town. So this dragged the process out unnecessarily. Then it was time for my check up. We all know how much I love blood tests. After the first one the doctor said everything was better than good it was great...except this one thing. I had a hormone that tested really high, I mean really high. So another blood test was scheduled, because of course it was an error. Then another. And another. The doctor had absolutely no explanation for why it was so high. She had no clue as why it would be high at all. So she arranged for me to have an appointment with an endocrinologist up by where I go to school because that was the closest one and by the time I would have any appointments (except the first one) I would be in school. Now it was time to go back to the orthodontist, basically because my mother wanted to speak with him, because she wasn't there for the first appointment and apparently my sister and I did not explain things well enough. He couldn't do anything until I had my wisdom teeth out and had a consult with a different surgeon. Then August rolled around and I was time to have my teeth out. Jenny quit her horrible job cleaning motel rooms a week early so that she could babysit me. Other than the bloody vomit incident it went fairly well. Then it was September. Then I was off to the endocrinologist. He seemed like a very nice man. He told me it was probably nothing to worry about. It was probably my kidneys working too hard and that I would just have to take a little pill for awhile. He said I would just have to take a blood test to make sure but I couldn't schedule it till about a month from then. He told me not to worry my little head about anything and sent me on my way. Bastard! Then school started. I met an odd girl named Hairball. We bonded over that I was going to have my jaw wired shut and screws put in. She thought it was cool. Later I met a girl named Mandy, who I should have been a bit nicer to. Then I had another blood test. It took four hours and I had to miss class. They gave me a shot and I had to sit with an IV in my arm for 4 hours while they took blood every hour. And we know how much I like blood tests. Then I waited. And waited. Two months, 4 phone calls from me, 3 from my mother and 2 from my doctor later, I got a prescription and a lab form in the mail with no explanation. He was too busy to see me and said he would explain my blood test results some time after January. My blood test had been in October. He finally sent the results to my doctor with no explanation. No one knew why he prescribed the pills he did. The only things we did know where that he wanted me to take the pills for 2 months and then have blood drawn and have the results sent to him. It was up to me to find someplace to do it (hence why he sent the lab form), and that it wasn't my kidneys. So against my better judgment I took these pills of unknown purpose. I was told nothing about them by him. My doctor didn't know why the endocrinologist prescribed them, and the pharmacist told me nothing, but I trusted these people. I don't know why. I certainly don't trust anyone else. I hated these pills. They made me feel sick all the time and sick to my stomach. Then it was Christmas break. And I had to see another nice man in a doctors office. We drove the three hours to the oral surgeons office for a consult. He explained everything in great detail and answered all my questions. He didn't ignore me and shove me off on someone else. He really was a nice man. The surgery would cost more than a year of college did. He said my insurance might cover part of it because it was medical not dental and would be considered arthritis prevention or something like that. After much waiting, the insurance said no. So that was the end of that. I was ok with that though, after the surgeon had explained everything to me it seemed like even though it would help prevent some problems, they could still occur and that the whole thing would basically just be cosmetic. And I didn't want to go through all that for something that was just cosmetic. Then I was back at school and had to get my pills refilled. Because I was a new client at that pharmacy they had to have a meeting with me about my prescription before they gave it to me. This time there were warnings all over the bottle, and side-effects listed. They told me a bit about what I was taking. I didn't like what I heard. I did more research online, I liked it less. All these things it was supposed to help where getting worse in me and what it was normally prescribed for didn't match anything that I was told might be wrong with me. In February (2006) I took the two month blood test like I was asked and had the results sent in. I then stopped taking those damn pills. To this day I still have never heard or seen the results from that blood test. On top of all of this I had a new job. Things were not going well at work, home, or school. That spring a had a small break down. That is the glossed over version of everything. Anyway, now that my long tale is done, you might be asking yourself what does all of this have to do with my lj? Yes, it is a sad tale of a wasted year and wasted money, but what was the point? At some point during that big mess, I decided that I would need someone to talk to about all of this stuff that was going on and I didn't really have anyone in person to talk to so I thought making an lj would be better than nothing. Unfortunately I never really used it through all of that. The worse I feel the less likely I am to say anything. That's why I don't write for long periods of time. I'm trying to stop that by making myself write something everyday (or close to it). So far it is working. It has kind of become this weird life line. This thin little shard of hope I keep in my back pocket. I don't really have anyone here but maybe if i keep writing, someone is reading. I know comments are not really an indication if someone is reading or not. I am a huge lurker. That's why my journal is still public. I've always been fairly messed up and don't you think it is hard for someone that is as paranoid as me not to just friend lock the whole thing. I keep it open to up the chances that maybe someone is reading because as long as I can think that maybe someone is reading, I will keep writing and I will be ok. Someday I will probably friend lock the whole thing, but not today.
website of the day: http://www.dunun.com/index_old.html
