Yesterday, I reached another local rite of passage. I bought a joke book from Frog. It is an elaborate ritual that involves squeasing several rubber chickens. But it means that I am now the proud owner of an autographed copy of Illegitamte Son of Frog.
Lately, I have been doing a lot of reflecting. For obvious reasons, I'm graduating. You'd think I'd be happy. It's not so much that I'm only noticig the endings, like Hairball's and my last late night Puckler's run of the year or the goodbye party at work. I also notice that it is a begining, a begining that scares me. As of the 15th I'll offically be unemployed. As of the 16th I'll be offically homeless. As of the 17th I'm offically moving back home because I have no where else to go. Granted I'm happy that at least I have a place to go, but there isn't anything there for me really.
A while back a girl at work said something to me, "I'm really worried about you moving back home." The full meaning of that didn't really sink in until very recently. It is not just that I am increadbly unhappy whenever I go home, or that I have no firends there, or job. Since I lived at home I have, not so much become a different person, but actaully act like myself now. When I go home on breaks I still hide things from people and just don't talk about certain aspects of my life. Its ok though because I come back here and I can more or less be myself again. That isnt to say that I fit in here or that I am happy here either. But it is a different kind of miserable.
Staying here isn't much of an option either. I don't really have any friends here that live here. I'm also not very happy here either. The hope is that I go home and save money and come up with some sort of plan to be somewhere else. Yeah I have no plan.
That is one of the worse parts about graduating. Its not the fact that I have no plan, its that people keep asking me what my plan is. Only my fellow graduates seem to understand that unless you know a person has a plan after graduation, you should never ask them what their plans are. See for me first I have to tell them that even though I am graduating, I am not actaully done with school, I still have to come back for a term in the fall. So I am not done until December. This summer I have to get a job and live at home and do whatever it is my mother requires of me so that she won't charge me rent (as she has threatened to do). Then in December, I will be exactly where I am now. So I have been telling people that I am going home in order to save some money and work on my art, so that I can travel and eventually move to Seattle or San Fransisco. I don't know if it is the truth but that is what I have been telling people.
I find myself wishing I could go back four years. Not that I liked high school. It was pretty much the worst time of my life so far. But at least then I wasn't in this spot now. I had firends, kinda, who where actually physically in the same city. They didn't really have time for me most of the time but hey they were there. I had an old but reasonably healthy dog and a cat who was my universe. Unlike now when I have a dead dog and have to leave Target in a hurry because they have those stupid scrapbooks that are like baby books for pets that you can put their little paws prints on like I wanted to get Ruby when she was a kitten. I was unhappy with my life and where I lived and assumed there where places that live could be different and I could find people like me. Now I actaully know. At least my mother is trying to understand that part. She is willing to work with me on the adjusting from one lifestyle to a new one thing. The only thing she won't budge on so far is getting an internet connection that isn't dial up. Her argument is "but you can use the library's computer for an hour a day." But enough about that. I try to remind myself of all the, for lack of a better term, life changing things that happened in the last four years, the good ones; meeting Hairball, becoming friends with Martini all over again, the HIM concert, going from virtually no computer skills to whatever I am now, the list goes one and on. But this makes it worse. It just adds to the things I wish had never happended bnecause you can't miss what you never had. Back then it seemed as though life was ahead of me. Now it seems as though I am somehow spirallying backwards, like the last four years didn't count. They didn't mean anything, the good or the bad. It was just one big cruel expensive joke. I feel as though small children should be pointing at me going "look mommy she failed at life." and then their mothers shush them saying it's not nice to point, politely nod at me and then drag their little brats away. That ended up being more depressing then I had intended.
Website of the day:
http://www.geocities.com/ottopallone/![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
